It’s a classic problem.

Steve wants more freedom in the relationship, and Grace is scared. (Steve and Grace aren’t real people, they’re a composite of several of my couples clients.)

It seems the more freedom Steve has, the less safe Grace feels. And, the more safe Grace feels, the less free Steve feels.

They love each other, and each wants the other to be happy.

Whose Need Gets Met?

But when they take steps to make themselves happy, it seems to be at the other’s expense. Steve just mentions that he wants freedom, Grace finds herself feeling nervous. She WANTS him to feel free, and she wants him to be happy. But she doesn’t know how to feel secure, while he’s feeling free. She finds herself emotional - terrified at times - and doesn’t know why.

Steve wants Grace to be happy. It’s painful for him to see her hurt and upset - so painful that he’s been reducing the activities that make him happy. He’s realized that he can only do that for the short-term - in the long-run, he becomes angry and resentful, and emotionally leaves the relationship. He knows each of these events (by itself) is a small issue, but they’re adding up to something big.

Is this conflict irresolvable?

For many couples, it seems that way. It’s excruciating to think you can’t meet your own needs without hurting your partner.

Dan and I spent several years working this out in our own relationship. We had times when I couldn’t see how I could possibly support his needs, without making myself crazy … and he’d probably say the same thing for himself. But, with a few healthy exceptions, we’ve popped out the other side.

I have much to share, but let me start with this:

Although it may look that way, neither partner is the “enemy”. They’re both dealing with a problem that’s essential to them, and trying to discover how to do it within the relationship.

For the freedom-seeker, freedom represents their self-expression, their ability to fulfill on their life’s purpose. If they cut it off, it’s as if they’ve eliminated who they really are, or why they’re on the planet.

For the security-seeker, security represents their ability to feel at peace, to feel at ease. Ironically, it’s also essential for their self-expression - without a sense of security, their mind spins about their worries, and they can barely function.

Fighting for Survival

Consider that freedom and security might both be “survival” needs. By survival needs, I mean that freedom and security are critical for each person and, if they’re not met, each person will fight as though their life depends on it.

That last part is critical: when your life is at stake, another part of the brain - the amygdala - takes over. This part of the brain isn’t designed to be kind or compassionate, and it certainly isn’t interested in using the communication skills you’ve mastered. It’s mission is to destroy or evade threats. That’s why, when in you’re in one of those fights, you could find yourself being brutally hard on your beloved, or withdrawing (aka fleeing) when they need you most.

Typically, one partner goes into fight mode, while the other flees, so one person is (metaphorically) chasing the other. The pattern has a feedback loop: the more the fighter pursues, the more the fleer evades. And the more the fleer evades, the more the fighter pursues.

In Grace and Steve’s case, she wants him to sort things out, to talk, to listen; he finds himself pulling away. Even when he’s there physically, he’s withdrawn so much that he barely hears what she says. The more he withdraws, the more Grace tries to driven to pull him out of his shell. And the more she tries, the more he pulls back.

If you’re dealing with this in your relationship, try to appreciate that your partner isn’t trying to hurt you; rather they’re trying to meet a need for self-expression and peace, that’s important for their life.

It’s critical to be forgiving of your partner AND especially yourself. Remember, you’ve both been dealing with a tough situation, and it really is no one’s fault. Those nasty fights happened because your survival mechanisms were trying to protect you.

If you want an inexpensive resource, read the book, “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson. It addresses many of these patterns for the layperson. It’s powerful and straight-forward.

And, if you’d really like to address this issue on for longer-lasting changes, consider a coach (I work in this area) or therapist to help you.

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Oh, that awful feeling … you’ve just decided you’re going to speak your truth, and say what’s really important to you.

You feel the fear, and do it anyway. You say something really daring … only to find your friends and family react with anger, hurt or confusion.

As they react, it makes you uncomfortable too. You find yourself thinking “I wish I hadn’t said anything!” And you stifle yourself, wondering if you’re doomed to being stifled forever.

Ugh. If you’ve ever decided to stifle yourself so that you can avoid other people’s reactions, the story above is probably familiar.

But why is it, that the same people who react so negatively when YOU speak your truth, react well (or at least neutrally) when someone else expresses theirs? Are you meant to stuff your self-expression, while others get to have theirs?

No way!

Let’s take the problem apart, to see what’s going on.

The Anatomy of Increased Self-Expression

A) You decide to say something that’s outside your usual range of self-expression. Maybe you never get disagreeable, and one day you disagree with someone. Or maybe you’re never angry, or flirtatious, or enthusiastic, and one day you express anger, flirtatiousness or enthusiasm. It doesn’t matter what it is, the point is that you’re saying things that YOU rarely say … and your friends and family aren’t accustomed to that.

B) Your friends and family react with strong emotion. Is it because they think you should be suppressed? Probably not. Is it because they can’t stand to hear someone express themselves? Not quite.

Since you’re saying something outside your usual range, it surprises them. And the surprise feels unfamiliar - and therefore often uncomfortable - to them. A predictable world isn’t as fun, but it feels safer (that safety is an illusion, by the way). When they react with anger or hurt, it’s their way of trying to get their world to feel predictable, safe, and comfortable again. Their emotional reaction is designed to upset you a bit, so that you’ll stifle yourself next time, and they’ll feel more comfortable.

But the next part is the really important one …

You’re Stifling to Avoid YOUR Discomfort

C) As they react emotionally, you feel your own discomfort. It can feel awful to be around someone who yells at you, or tries to make you feel guilty. And if you’re like most people, you don’t like the discomfort, so you stifle yourself again! Guess what? Your friends and family just got you to go back to your usual range of communication, the one that’s familiar and feels safe to them.

I’m sure you don’t really want to stifle yourself, so what’s the answer?

In my coaching practice, I find that once my clients are aware that their friends and family might get emotional, they’re prepared for the response. That alone makes it easier for them to express themselves.

A second tool is to increase your capacity to “be with” other people’s reactions. When I teach this clients, I ask them to imagine both ordinary, and really daunting situations. So we go from their mother trying to make them feel guilty, to a whole stadium of people trying to make them feel guilty. We work on their capacity to be with the discomfort, until finally it doesn’t bother them at all. When they go back to their regular life, suddenly it’s easy to be with those ordinary situations!

Just a reminder: Remember that your friends and family aren’t consciously trying to suppress you - they’re just trying to make their world feel safe - so don’t blame them! Just challenge yourself to feel your discomfort without backing away, and you’ll dramatically increase your ability to express yourself.

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I got this question in my email box recently: after a bad breakup, how do I find the courage to get out and date again?

If you’re going on dates with an attitude that it’s going to go wrong, you’re headed for trouble.

First things first: love your life now, as a single. If you’re unhappy as a single, you’ll settle for anyone who crosses your path, which sets yourself up for failure. Ever found yourself over-compromising? You can probably chalk that up to illusion that you “needed” your mate, or that life would be worse alone. Ever decide to hang out with someone, just to fill the void? Ugh - it’s a sure-fire recipe to slip into a relationship that’s just never right - and to be unavailable when a great potential mate does show up.

When you’re happy with how things are now, you become discerning, and make your time available only to people who are a great potential fit. Further, it makes you more confident, and you’ll be more attractive to high-quality partners.

Got a question about Love or Pleasure? Send it my way! Can’t promise I’ll answer everything. But if it’s a good fit for this column, I’ll include it.

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A common question from my male clients is the difference between ogling and admiring.

Here’s the stereotype: women don’t like being ogled, but enjoy authentic admiration. Men love to admire, and don’t want to ogle, but they’re not sure they know the difference.

So the guys who want to honour women withhold their admiration (lest it be mistaken for ogling), and the guys who don’t care just keep on ogling. Then it seems like all men are either neutral, or ogling!

When I ask women how they distinguish ogling from admiring, they can’t put it into concrete words.   [Read more →]

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Been ages since I’ve posted - I got taken out by several flus last month!

If you haven’t seen Beautiful Cervix site, it’s worth checking out.  It’s a photo-essay of the changes in one woman’s body as she moves through an entire moon cycle.  Each night, she used a speculum to open herself up, and got her boyfriend (a patient man, I’m sure), to take photos of her cervix.

As a doula (mid-wife), she understands and explains the changes [Read more →]

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