Kate rolls over and snuggles up against John, sinking into the delight of his warm skin, smelling his musky odor, and pressing her lips against his back. He feels her presence, and rolls over to greet her mouth, and press a hand against her womanhood. She pulls away, frustrated that she can’t have affection without it “turning into” sex. He pulls back, wondering what he did wrong, this time.

Familiar?

Her Need, His Need

Kate says she wants and needs affection on a regular basis. Too much sex without affection, and she feels depleted and “used.” When she has regular affection (inside and outside the bedroom), she feels more sexual.

John prioritizes sex first. For him, it awakens his connection to his partner. And without it, he feels frustrated and “strung-along.” When has regular sex, he naturally feels more affectionate, without even thinking about it.

But here’s the problem [Read more →]

Tags: Consciousness, Relationships, Sexual Freedom, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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Are you going to Burning Man?

My friend Ed, my husband Dan, and I are teaching classes at Burning Man. (If you’ve never heard of Burning Man, it’s a crazy art festival and experiment in “temporary community” It’s held each year, in the midddle of the Nevada Desert.) [Read more →]

Tags: Consciousness, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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Do you love your partner, but you’ve stopped salivating over them? Or maybe you’ve obsessed about someone who you’d like to have as a partner.

This video from Helen Fisher talks about the love-related states of our brain.

The most amazing section is that she distinguishes three types of love (in the brain’s activity).

One is romantic love. She defines it as more than merely an emotion, but also as a powerful “drive”, which pushes you into certain behaviors.

There’s also the sex drive, which is distinct, and helps you discover a partner.

And last is attachment, which is what you feel for a long-term partner.

You may, or may not, feel all of these towards the same person, which explains why the feelings of love might change over time.

My question: does our love shift because of changes in the brain? Or do changes in the brain just reflect the shifts we’re making in our lives?

I’ve found that, when I’m holding on to anger towards my husband, I’m still connected to the feeling that I love him (in a friendly way), but I quickly lose the feeling of being “in love.” But when I’m diligent about restoring love to the relationship, I ongoingly feel that I’m “in love” with him.

My hunch is that my brain reflects that.

After four years, I still feel deeply and passionately in love with him, and I don’t think that’s going away.

This video is 23 mins long, but worth a look. It explains a lot about relationships, and the feelings we have about them.

Tags: Consciousness, Relationships, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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Have you followed the work of the movie “The Secret”, Wayne Dyer, Abraham, or other new-age leaders? Then you’ve probably tried “raising your vibration” to attract what you want into your life.

It’s a nifty concept: it suggests that we all have a vibrational level, which affects how quickly we attract what we want into our lives.

The higher your vibrational level, the more power you have to attract things. (For more information, check out any of books from Abraham)

And yet, one of the fastest ways to raise our vibration is usually overlooked: it’s sex. [Read more →]

Tags: Consciousness, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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