Kate rolls over and snuggles up against John, sinking into the delight of his warm skin, smelling his musky odor, and pressing her lips against his back. He feels her presence, and rolls over to greet her mouth, and press a hand against her womanhood. She pulls away, frustrated that she can’t have affection without it “turning into” sex. He pulls back, wondering what he did wrong, this time.

Familiar?

Her Need, His Need

Kate says she wants and needs affection on a regular basis. Too much sex without affection, and she feels depleted and “used.” When she has regular affection (inside and outside the bedroom), she feels more sexual.

John prioritizes sex first. For him, it awakens his connection to his partner. And without it, he feels frustrated and “strung-along.” When has regular sex, he naturally feels more affectionate, without even thinking about it.

But here’s the problem [Read more →]

Tags: Consciousness, Relationships, Sexual Freedom, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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Reading a lot of mainstream mags, you’d think the point was to get really good at sex.

Some recent Cosmo headlines … “Decode his passion positions to find out how he thinks and feels … Here’s a how-to on handling his hottest urges … Check these (positions) out and he’ll be yelling, “You go, Cow-Girl!”

The headlines targetted at men are more explicit … “Improve stamina … Rock Hard Erections … How to make love all night.”

You’d think it’s all about getting better at sex, wouldn’t you? With ads like these, no wonder we’re all so worried about performance.

Ready when you are
… Cowboy!”

What if we switched it, so it’s not about getting better at sex, but about enjoying sex more?

You could still find those tingly, yummy, playful places in your partner’s body, all while finding your own whoop-dee-doo, too.

Tags: Enjoying Sex More, Relationships, Technique, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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Do you love your partner, but you’ve stopped salivating over them? Or maybe you’ve obsessed about someone who you’d like to have as a partner.

This video from Helen Fisher talks about the love-related states of our brain.

The most amazing section is that she distinguishes three types of love (in the brain’s activity).

One is romantic love. She defines it as more than merely an emotion, but also as a powerful “drive”, which pushes you into certain behaviors.

There’s also the sex drive, which is distinct, and helps you discover a partner.

And last is attachment, which is what you feel for a long-term partner.

You may, or may not, feel all of these towards the same person, which explains why the feelings of love might change over time.

My question: does our love shift because of changes in the brain? Or do changes in the brain just reflect the shifts we’re making in our lives?

I’ve found that, when I’m holding on to anger towards my husband, I’m still connected to the feeling that I love him (in a friendly way), but I quickly lose the feeling of being “in love.” But when I’m diligent about restoring love to the relationship, I ongoingly feel that I’m “in love” with him.

My hunch is that my brain reflects that.

After four years, I still feel deeply and passionately in love with him, and I don’t think that’s going away.

This video is 23 mins long, but worth a look. It explains a lot about relationships, and the feelings we have about them.

Tags: Consciousness, Relationships, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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Quote from sex therapist Evelyn Green: “Be the subject of your own desire, rather than the object of someone else’s.”

A lesson well-learned for many, especially women (or so it seems), who worry more about the impression they’re making than what they want for themselves.

In my coaching practice, I have several female clients who wanted to have more pleasure … so it would please their partners. The women with this challenge are often very attractive. Why? Because they’ve focused on being attractive, and forgotten to ask themselves what they want.

To have pleasure or orgasm you’ve got to feel your own body. But when you’re doing it for you partner, your attention is outwardly-focused, and it’s hard to notice the feelings in your body. Feel it for yourself, and the pleasure comes more easily.

In being the subject of your desire, you find that marriage of what you want AND what your partner wants. A natural way to more pleasure and connection.

Tags: Enjoying Sex More, Relationships, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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Do we still need fury to get what we need and want?

Give this guy a break!

The Sex and the City movie is all about two women’s fury – their men have made mistakes (I’m not saying what, that might spoil the movie), and the women are so furious that they end all communication.

There was a time when we needed fury. When women’s words were invalidated, just because she was a woman; or when people just didn’t listen, fury was one way to get attention onto important issues.

Fury is useful when we’re afraid we might back down, or when no one’s paying attention. (Though, sometimes fury keeps people from paying attention, too.)

But the downside is huge: it wrecks trust and destroys intimacy. And truth is, sometimes the other person is right, or at least has a valid point of view. When we’re furious we can’t even hear that.

It’s no wonder so many women are afraid of their power – we confused it with fury, and the damage it does. Power is being present and standing for something, while still hearing and loving the other person.

We can draw a line in the sand, and also be thoughtful and kind.

Tags: Relationships, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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