“If ya touch it, ya gotta finish it.”

This is what my husband said when he wanted to sex from his ex-wife. (No wonder they divorced.) If he got aroused, he wanted to release. So she avoided touching his penis altogether.

This is story is a major problem in many couples’ sex lives.

After the courtship phase, many women don’t get aroused so easily. Foreplay could be arousing, but she won’t know if she will get aroused until after the foreplay starts. But under these rules, where she has to “finish” the act even if she doesn’t get aroused, she doesn’t want to start foreplay. See the vicious cycle?

What if couples abolished the rule that if sex starts, it has to finish in ejaculation?

1) Could men tolerate that?
2) Would the women be more interested in sex?

Yes!!

It takes practice for men to get comfortable with being sexually aroused, without ejaculating. But it’s actually beneficial. By doing this, many men discover that their pleasure capacity and their life force increases, so they enjoy sex more the next time they engage.

And, without the pressure to perform, many women are more willing to play.

Case in point: in my last relationship, I felt compelled to finish what I started, and I rarely wanted sex. In my current relationship, my husband is now at ease with not finishing - we abolished this rule - and sex is an almost daily activity. Often, it’s only two minutes long – just a quick hello in the morning. But what a great, non-pressured way to wake-up!

Coming up, I’ll have a post about male-multiple orgasm, a practice which makes this even more enjoyable.

Tags: Enjoying Sex More by Ellie
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Do we still need fury to get what we need and want?

Give this guy a break!

The Sex and the City movie is all about two women’s fury – their men have made mistakes (I’m not saying what, that might spoil the movie), and the women are so furious that they end all communication.

There was a time when we needed fury. When women’s words were invalidated, just because she was a woman; or when people just didn’t listen, fury was one way to get attention onto important issues.

Fury is useful when we’re afraid we might back down, or when no one’s paying attention. (Though, sometimes fury keeps people from paying attention, too.)

But the downside is huge: it wrecks trust and destroys intimacy. And truth is, sometimes the other person is right, or at least has a valid point of view. When we’re furious we can’t even hear that.

It’s no wonder so many women are afraid of their power – we confused it with fury, and the damage it does. Power is being present and standing for something, while still hearing and loving the other person.

We can draw a line in the sand, and also be thoughtful and kind.

Tags: Relationships, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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We all say we want to be authentic. But when it comes to sex, is it really true?

Think about it.

• If heard our partners’ real desires, would they ask for things that make us comfortable?
• At work, would we return to the days when women got pinched at the coffee pot, and men thought the boss collapsed competence with sex appeal?
• Would more parents have to hear their child declare that s/he is gay?
• And would children lose their innocence if sex is discussed openly?

Maybe we don’t even want to be real with our sexuality. And especially, maybe we don’t want others, like our kids, bosses and partners, to be real.

Or, maybe there are just a few things for us to handle, so that authenticity works.

On the surface, authenticity might look dangerous, but it’s not clear the threats are real:

• New workplace laws exist to make sure promotions happen on merit.
• If our culture accepts sexual authenticity, parents won’t need to protect gay kids from being ostracized and alone.
• Also, parents could have honest and straight conversations with kids, so their innocence is balanced with healthy growth, and kids could discuss their choices with an adult who hears them.
• And marriages are already dealing with problems in agreements - depending on the stats you read, 50-65% of men, and 20-50% of women have affairs. With authenticity, marriage agreements could be discussed and created in a new way - before committing - which would avoid painful lies.

Allowing authenticity will bring us freedom to be real, but it requires us to confront our discomforts, and re-consider our beliefs. I think it’s well worth it. Do you?

Tags: Sexual Freedom, Transforming Sex by Ellie
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Sexual freedom. It conjures images of horny people, going at it with anyone and everyone, at any place.

Because of this notion, lots of people don’t want sexual freedom.

But is this what sexual freedom really is?

Sexual freedom includes freedom to be highly sexual, but it also includes the freedom to be reserved and modest. It includes sex which is private,sacred and reserved for one special person.

Sadly, sometimes people fight against sexual freedom, because they think they’ll be forced into something they don’t want to do. In other words, they think that sexual freedom is a contradiction in terms, that increasing sexual freedom in the world would cause them to lose freedom for themselves. That’s not it. Real sexual freedom is allowing each person to have their own authentic expression. (Obviously within the bounds of consent for all involved!)

I invite you to enjoy sex and sexuality in whatever way is real for you. That is authentic sexual freedom.

Tags: Transforming Sex by Ellie
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