Kate rolls over and snuggles up against John, sinking into the delight of his warm skin, smelling his musky odor, and pressing her lips against his back. He feels her presence, and rolls over to greet her mouth, and press a hand against her womanhood. She pulls away, frustrated that she can’t have affection without it “turning into” sex. He pulls back, wondering what he did wrong, this time.

Familiar?

Her Need, His Need

Kate says she wants and needs affection on a regular basis. Too much sex without affection, and she feels depleted and “used.” When she has regular affection (inside and outside the bedroom), she feels more sexual.

John prioritizes sex first. For him, it awakens his connection to his partner. And without it, he feels frustrated and “strung-along.” When has regular sex, he naturally feels more affectionate, without even thinking about it.

But here’s the problem: both are waiting for the other to meet their need, before they’ll meet their partner’s need. She’s waiting to have her affection need met, before she offers sex. And he’s waiting for sex, before he’ll be loving.

At one level, there’s an easy solution: she can have sex without waiting for affection, and let that generate the affection she desires. Or, he could be generous with his affection - hugging her from behind while she washes the dishes, holding her hand, spooning her at night - and let that lead to more excitement.

But sometimes that’s not enough …

The real problem here might not even be a lack of affection or a lack of sex! What if, no matter how much affection she gets, or how much sex he gets, they’ll never be satisfied?

There may be many reasons for a couple to fall into the sex v. affection cycle. One common barrier (there are others) is the interpretation each person has about the circumstance.

When she doesn’t get affection, her interpretation is that he’s using her; when he doesn’t get sex, his interpretation is that he’s being strung along. Even if she gets lots of affection, she hasn’t changed her interpretation … and her mind still insists he’s using her. She chronically wants more, and feels like any act of sex negates all the other wonderful affection she’s had.

Likewise for him. No matter how much she has sex with him, his mind keeps insisting it will stop soon. She says no just once, even after regular and frequent sex for months, and his mind quickly reminds him that she’s just stringing him along, and he feels dissatisfied.

In your relationship, you might have your own interpretations, like ‘my partner doesn’t care about me’, ‘I can’t get what I want’, ‘they’re being mean’, etc. The point is that it’s an interpretation, something that your mind created, based on a few incidents (some of those incidents might even be from the past - your parents’ relationship, your high school friends’, etc.). Now, no matter what your partner does, your mind keeps going back to those earlier incidents, as if they’re the truth, and it discounts what happens in the present.

What to do … ?

Ideally, the two of you can both look at - and release - your interpretations.

Ask yourself (and invite your partner to do the same) …

1. When my partner doesn’t give me what I want, what do I make that mean about him/her?
2. When I have that interpretation, how do I feel about him/her?
3. How would I rather feel about him/her?
4. How else could I interpretation the situation, that would support my preferred feeling? It’s valuable to list several possibilities.
5. How do I feel now, after seeing other interpretations?

Examples

Kate:
1. When my partner doesn’t give me what I want … I make that mean that I’m being used.
2. With that interpretation, I feel … frustrated and vengeful.
3. I’d rather feel … close, playful and connected.
4. Other ways I could interpret the situation? I know he loves me, maybe he needs some space. He’s had a hard day. He seems tense … I wonder if he’d like a foot rub?
5. Now I feel … freedom, acceptance, understanding.

John:
1. When my partner doesn’t give me what I want … I make that mean that I’m being strung along.
2. With that interpretation, I feel … angry and distant.
3. I’d rather feel … passionate, playful, and loving.
4. Other ways I could view the situation? Maybe this is her way of asking for more affection. 5. She’s worked really hard lately, maybe she’s tired. I wonder if she’d like a hug.
Now I feel … generous, understanding, forgiving.

Many people find that when they give up their interpretation, their partner seems to magically give up theirs too. So don’t by shy about looking at on your own. Even if your partner never releases their interpretation, it is freeing to give up yours.

Watch for Pitfalls

It’s tempting to ask your partner to look at his/her interpretation, as if you don’t have your own interpretation too. Be especially wary if your mind insists your partner is the only one with an interpretation. That’s quite uncommon.

Also, releasing interpretations sometimes looks like a bad idea. The mind might say: if I release the interpretation that she’s stringing me along, then how will I ever get her to have sex with me? Or, if I release this interpretation that he’s using me, I’ll lose my right to say no. This type of challenge is more complex, and is best handled with some support.

Getting More Support

If you want support beyond this exercise, a great resource is Byron Katie’s book, Loving What Is.

And for truly powerful support, I encourage you to email me for coaching (just respond back to the newsletter - it comes straight to me). Interpretations affect your entire life: your relationship, finances, kids, career, and more. And sometimes, the more important something is to you, the more the interpretation traps you.

With outside support, interpretations are far easier to address, leaving you both free and empowered.

I’m available for sessions by phone, or in-person in Denver.

Tags: Consciousness, Relationships, Sexual Freedom, Transforming Sex //