The Difference Between Ogling and Admiring
A common question from my male clients is the difference between ogling and admiring.
Here’s the stereotype: women don’t like being ogled, but enjoy authentic admiration. Men love to admire, and don’t want to ogle, but they’re not sure they know the difference.
So the guys who want to honour women withhold their admiration (lest it be mistaken for ogling), and the guys who don’t care just keep on ogling. Then it seems like all men are either neutral, or ogling!
When I ask women how they distinguish ogling from admiring, they can’t put it into concrete words. They’ll say they know it when they feel it. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help the men understand the difference. [More...]
See Her Essence
A few thoughts for men: A man who tells me I look hot might seem creepy or sexy. The difference between ogling and admiration isn’t the words you use. Rather, it’s the intention behind it. Ogling happens when you have an intention (or desire) to have sex with a woman, without caring about her as another human being. Oglers want to get off, and she just looks like a good tool for that.
If you don’t want to be ogling, notice her essence, as well as her body. It subtly shifts the intention behind your words, and the same words have a different feel to them.
A caveat: every woman has a different scale, of where they draw the line between creepy ogling, and welcomed admiration. Some women will see your generous admiration as ogling, no matter what. As everywhere in life, you can’t please everyone, so don’t guage how you’re doing by a few odd reactions.
Give Men a Chance
A few thoughts for women … Most men are good guys, trying to figure out how to admire, and they have no roadmap.
In my experience, men really want women to be happy. They get excited by your enthusiasm, the way you smile, even the way you love your Mom. When a man admires you, there’s a good chance he is seeing you as a whole person, something far beyond an “object,” but he might not know how to express it well. He might need gentle help to learn how.
This is great!! Keep going.
. . . .” for I see I am wonderfully made”.. Psalms.
For me, the difference between admiration and ogling is that when I admire a woman, her physical attributes are not the first things that comes to mind. Many men, me included, have been so conditioned in our culture to evaluate a woman by how sexy she is that it has become a normalized state if consciousness. We have lost our inner compass so of course admiration vs. ogling is a confusing issue.