Do You Know THIS Secret to Full Self-Expression?
Oh, that awful feeling … you’ve just decided you’re going to speak your truth, and say what’s really important to you.
You feel the fear, and do it anyway. You say something really daring … only to find your friends and family react with anger, hurt or confusion.
As they react, it makes you uncomfortable too. You find yourself thinking “I wish I hadn’t said anything!” And you stifle yourself, wondering if you’re doomed to being stifled forever.
Ugh. If you’ve ever decided to stifle yourself so that you can avoid other people’s reactions, the story above is probably familiar.
But why is it, that the same people who react so negatively when YOU speak your truth, react well (or at least neutrally) when someone else expresses theirs? Are you meant to stuff your self-expression, while others get to have theirs?
No way!
Let’s take the problem apart, to see what’s going on.
The Anatomy of Increased Self-Expression
A) You decide to say something that’s outside your usual range of self-expression. Maybe you never get disagreeable, and one day you disagree with someone. Or maybe you’re never angry, or flirtatious, or enthusiastic, and one day you express anger, flirtatiousness or enthusiasm. It doesn’t matter what it is, the point is that you’re saying things that YOU rarely say … and your friends and family aren’t accustomed to that.
B) Your friends and family react with strong emotion. Is it because they think you should be suppressed? Probably not. Is it because they can’t stand to hear someone express themselves? Not quite.
Since you’re saying something outside your usual range, it surprises them. And the surprise feels unfamiliar - and therefore often uncomfortable - to them. A predictable world isn’t as fun, but it feels safer (that safety is an illusion, by the way). When they react with anger or hurt, it’s their way of trying to get their world to feel predictable, safe, and comfortable again. Their emotional reaction is designed to upset you a bit, so that you’ll stifle yourself next time, and they’ll feel more comfortable.
But the next part is the really important one …
You’re Stifling to Avoid YOUR Discomfort
C) As they react emotionally, you feel your own discomfort. It can feel awful to be around someone who yells at you, or tries to make you feel guilty. And if you’re like most people, you don’t like the discomfort, so you stifle yourself again! Guess what? Your friends and family just got you to go back to your usual range of communication, the one that’s familiar and feels safe to them.
I’m sure you don’t really want to stifle yourself, so what’s the answer?
In my coaching practice, I find that once my clients are aware that their friends and family might get emotional, they’re prepared for the response. That alone makes it easier for them to express themselves.
A second tool is to increase your capacity to “be with” other people’s reactions. When I teach this clients, I ask them to imagine both ordinary, and really daunting situations. So we go from their mother trying to make them feel guilty, to a whole stadium of people trying to make them feel guilty. We work on their capacity to be with the discomfort, until finally it doesn’t bother them at all. When they go back to their regular life, suddenly it’s easy to be with those ordinary situations!
Just a reminder: Remember that your friends and family aren’t consciously trying to suppress you - they’re just trying to make their world feel safe - so don’t blame them! Just challenge yourself to feel your discomfort without backing away, and you’ll dramatically increase your ability to express yourself.
Ellie, thank you for this article. I do JUST THAT. If my spouse gets angry, I stuff it and/or give in. Basically, I’ve told myself I’m “enabling” his anger. I love what you said about preparing for the reaction. Can you write more on this?? I did a Wavemaker session with a family member, and my “issue” was inability to fully express. I’m working on breaking patterns of “people pleasing”, as I’ve neglected my OWN needs for the needs of others…for toooooo many years, and although I’m working on getting a life coaching practice started, haven’t put my own deal on the front burner, thus don’t have any clients yet! I recognize it’s time to take my stuff seriously. Anyhow, I have been searching for resources about increasing ability to fully self express, including with regard to my sexuality as well as saying what I feel, even if it will bother another. Write more! This is great stuff. Thank you!
Hi Nancy, it’s so great that you’ve been working on this! And thanks for the enthusiasm.
Often when withholds speaking because it might “bother” the listener, it comes from a desire to keep the other listener comfortable.
It’s a noble intention, but it hides a deeper truth.
The deepest pain for the listener isn’t the original communication … rather, it’s when the speaker demands (usually covertly) that the listener respond in a particular way, and withdraws their love if they don’t.
I invite you to try this: speak your truth, and stay in a space of love for your listener, as they go through their reaction. Just BE there with them. Love them, love their reaction, and be loving towards yourself as you have your own reaction.
If you do this, you’ll give them space to react … and feel safe in your presence. When you can feel your reaction fully without needing to apologize, resist them, or turn away, you’ll both be able to communicate more lovingly.
Enjoy!!